Orgasm Problems and What to Do About Them

Orgasm problems are some of the top reasons why people come to me as a sex and dating coach. Not being able to orgasm (or having a partner who can’t orgasm) can feel frustrating. And you might come across plenty of websites, magazines, books, and experts who tell you how to orgasm and suggest that you’re doing something wrong.

But here’s the truth: There are a variety of reasons you may not be able to orgasm or have reliable orgasms. Some of these reasons may stem from medical issues or they may have other root causes.

I could sit here all day and give you tips and advice on how to orgasm, how to have better orgasms, how to come earlier, how to come later, etc. Yet, if you haven’t addressed the root cause of your orgasm issues, then you’ll likely still have frustrations in your sex life.

So, here are three common orgasm problems and what you can do about them.

1. Anorgasmia

Anorgasmia is when a person has difficulty orgasming or cannot orgasm.

Sometimes, when I work with clients, it turns out that they’re experiencing some low level experience of orgasm. But because of what we see in the media, we think that our orgasm experience should look one way. When it doesn’t look like that singular way shown in the media and we can’t identify with that experience, then we may feel like our experience is inadequate or undesirable.

What to Do

Recognize that what you see on TV and in the movies doesn’t have to be your orgasm experience. Maybe you don’t have the “Big O,” but you instead have little “o”s or tiny “o”s. You have to decide on your own if that is something that you’re personally satisfied with. Don’t use someone else’s yardstick to measure your experience, and certainly don’t use yardsticks that come from TV shows and movies that don’t reflect reality anyway.

If you’re not satisfied with your level of orgasm, then take a look at your medications and physiological health. There may be a medical condition for why you’re not achieving the orgasms you want. For example, a medication that you’ve been on for a long time may be impacting your sexual experience. Some folks have been on birth control since their late teens years. Yet, birth control can impact your experience of orgasm.

You may also be experiencing something that’s a bit more common, which is . . .

2. Inconsistent or unreliable orgasms

There are conditions in which someone orgasms, such as through masturbation, but doesn’t orgasm through partnered sex consistently or at all. Or this could relate to someone who has had partners with whom they don’t consistently experience orgasms with and they aren’t able to orgasm reliably by themselves through masturbation either.

What to Do

There can be a variety of reasons why someone isn’t orgasming reliably with a partner or by themselves.  

For those having difficulty orgasming through partnered sex, you may be putting extra pressure on yourself to orgasm. This then throws you into a negative feedback loop in which the more pressure you feel, the harder it is to orgasm, and the harder it is to orgasm, then the more pressure you feel. Orgasm flows when we feel relatively anxiety-free. During partnered sex, try noticing something from each of your five senses to pull your focus back into your body and the pleasure it is experiencing.

Also, communicate more with your partner during sex (check out The Communication Issue for additional guidance) and get out of your own head about how things are “supposed” to go.

If you’re struggling with orgasming by yourself, then there could be several causes. You could have something physiologically wrong that needs medical intervention. You may be on medication or be using a medical device that could negatively affect your ability to orgasm. 

You may also have some shame or trauma surrounding sex that needs to be addressed. If you suspect that any of these factors may be affecting you, then consult your medical health professional and consider reaching out to sex therapists, such as myself.

3. Premature Ejaculation

I hate the word “premature” because it has so many unhelpful connotations to it. Sometimes, I refer to this as “rapid ejaculation” instead. Regardless the bottom line is that the penis haver is experiencing orgasm sooner than they would like to.

What to Do

Part of addressing rapid ejaculation is reworking a person’s relationship to masturbation and learning techniques to notice when they’ve reached the point of no return. When you learn these cues from your body, then you can make adjustments.

You may also want to have your hormone levels tested to see if there’s something that needs to be addressed on that end. Hormones can wreak havoc on our bodies, so it’s important to know your hormone levels and hormone cycles.

Remember that there is a lot more to sex and sexual pleasure than orgasm. Also, orgasming can look differently for each person. Try your best to enjoy the process of learning about yourself and your partner, and be open to what potential concerns and solutions are possible when it comes to orgasmic issues.

Want to learn more?

If you want to learn more about how to give and experience your best orgasm, then check out my ezine’s The Orgasm Issue, which includes links to my classes on orgasms for vulva havers and orgasms for penis havers.

If all else fails and you aren’t satisfied with your orgasms or want to change your orgasm experience, then feel free to reach out to me. As a seasoned sex and dating coach, I’ve helped people of all genders experience better orgasms and a more pleasurable sex life. Click here to learn more about sex and dating coaching with me.