How to Identify Sex Burnout and How to Fix It

The results are in: people are having less sex. Studies show a decrease in sex overall, whether that’s penetrative sex, mutual masturbation, oral sex, or anal sex. Folks just seem to be getting it on a lot less than they used to, and I’ve seen this time and time again with my clients.

Whether they’re single and ready to mingle, or partnered with one or multiple people, there’s been a massive decrease in overall sex drive and sex. So, what gives? Researchers are still drawing their own conclusions, but I can tell you from my experience as a sex and dating coach that there seems to be a common theme: burnout.

Stress and the overall capitalist nightmare that we exist in today play a major role in our sex lives. Think about it, how many hours a day do you spend working? When you come home do you expect to flip a switch, have the stress, immediately melt away, and transform into a hyper sexual being?

We’re constantly plugged in, and the implications of this lifestyle may not be what people were expecting. When your brain is always “on” it can make it incredibly difficult to get it on.

So what should you do? Is sex burnout affecting your sex life? Here are some ways to identify if you have sex burnout and how you can fix sex burnout.

Lack of romantic time together

Is this you?

You and your partner spend more time on the couch watching Netflix in the evenings than touching each other. Or there always seems to be some chore, some task, some email, or something that takes precedence over connecting sexually with each other.

Try this.

Schedule routine time together. This can be an evening ritual where you both wind down from the day together with a beverage of your choice and no devices. You could stretch together as you talk and connect with each other. Maybe you do deep breathing with one another. Or you may want to turn the romance up to 11 once a week to make time for play.

You’re ships in the night

Is this you?

You go to bed at different times and rarely cuddle or touch each other in bed. It may be hard to remember the last time you went to sleep at the same time or woke up at the same time together.

Try this.

Consider which of you is the night owl and discuss when you can both hit the hay at a similar time 1–2 times a week. That might be only on weekends and that’s ok. You can also consider weekend mornings for getting some cuddles in when you’re able to sleep in. The point here is to find an agreed-upon time to spend time in bed with one another and physically connect.

Fatigue

Is this you?

Most of the time you’re too tired for sex and getting aroused can feel like a chore.

Try this.

Having a regular movement practice (such as exercise, stretching, yoga, etc.) and good sleep hygiene can transform your energy levels. If you are a busy parent and/or work long hours, then think about when you might be able to get small moments of rest throughout the week. You may need to schedule these periods of rest, which is okay!

Planning sex is great for helping to anticipate physical intimacy and mentally prepare for it. The buildup of anticipation can also amp up the excitement in your sex life, increase sexual arousal, and intensify the sexual chemistry and sexual desire between you and your partner.

Pleasure is rare

Is this you?

You live from the shoulders up and have a hard time connecting with your body, much less thinking and experiencing “pleasure.”

Try this.

Consider what you used to do purely for your enjoyment. During the pandemic, our lives got much smaller. Are there ways you can build back in daily or weekly habits that are just for your pleasure’s sake? This doesn’t have to be sexual pleasure (although it can be). Rather, the point is to welcome back pleasure into your life, which will open the door for more pleasure in your sex life.

Want to learn more?

If you want to know more about how to manage your stress and make your sex life feel less pressured, then check out my ezine’s The Slow Down Issue.

You can also chat with me. As an experienced sex and dating coach, I’ve helped people better understand their bodies, improve their relationships, answer questions that they may not feel comfortable asking others, and improve their sex lives and dating strategies. Click here to learn more about sex and dating coaching with me.