How to have more sex when you & your partner have different schedules

When life gets busy it can be hard to find the time (or energy) for sexual intimacy and pleasure with your partner. This is especially true if you’re on different schedules. If you’re not home -- or awake -- at the same time, having time for sex let alone emotional closeness can start to feel impossible.

So what do you do when your rhythms don’t match up?

In this post, I'll cover why it’s ok if you’re not having sex, the differences in desire, how to set aside time for sex, and more ways to bring intimacy back into your life.

It's ok if you're not having sex all the time

The first step is taking the pressure off of you and your partner. Nothing kills a libido like “shoulds” and “woulds.” It’s completely ok if you and your partner aren’t having sex right now.

Every long-term relationship goes through sexual seasons. Meaning it’s completely normal to have phases where you’re having sex a lot and other phases where you’re not. 

What can cause these “sexual seasons”? A lot of different things, including actual seasonal changes. Studies have shown that testosterone levels are lower in the winter than in the summer for example.

Other potential reasons: where a vulva-haver is in their menstrual cycle, what is going on in your personal lives, your health and general stress levels, having different schedules, etc.

But it’s still important to prioritize intimacy and pleasure. There are so many benefits to incorporating sexual intimacy into your life:

• Sex can lead to positive changes in the body, like boosted oxytocin.

• An active sex life can boost your immune system, lessen pain, improve your blood pressure and help you sleep.

• Intimacy can help reduce stress and loneliness, in turn increasing your chances of a longer, healthier life.

• Intimacy and sex boost your overall relationship satisfaction. 

When your desire is different from your partner

Did you know there are two different ways to experience desire? I’ve had clients express frustration when the way they experience desire feels so different from how their partner does.

“He never seems like he wants to have sex with me. I’m ready to go just like that and sex isn’t even on his radar,” said one of my clients recently. “He only ever wants to have sex if I initiate it.”

She was describing spontaneous desire vs. responsive desire.

Spontaneous desire is what it sounds like: you’re get in the mood spontaneously. You could be doing laundry and then suddenly daydreaming about getting it on. Responsive desire, on the other hand, is “when the desire to have sex starts after the act is initiated. Something sexy happens and then you’re in the mood.” 

Both ways to experience desire are completely normal. Some people experience both while others are more one or the other. It’s helpful to understand where you and your partner fall on the spectrum and when/how you each feel desire and how you each enjoy sex. It can save a lot of miscommunication and hurt feelings in the long run!

Remember, you’re not always going to feel ready for sex, sometimes arousal needs to happen first. And don’t be afraid to initiate sex (check out this article on how to initiate sex as a vulva-haver.)

Set aside time for sex (literally schedule it)

Spontaneity can be great, but it’s important to let go of the idea that sex HAS to be spontaneous. Otherwise, you may feel pressure to be spontaneous, which usually isn't great for sexual desire or emotional intimacy.

Consider this: spontaneity has always been an illusion. Think about when you were first starting to have sex. Maybe you shaved beforehand, trimmed your pubic area, washed your body, put on perfume, or wore something sexy. You were anticipating having sex, it wasn’t really all that spontaneous to begin with.

In order to make sex a priority in your life, sometimes you need to schedule it, especially if you’re on different schedules from your partner.

Setting aside specific time for sex creates opportunities to set the stage for intimacy, prep for kink, and gives the opportunity to build anticipation in both partners.

Check in with your partner

It’s important to frequently check in with your partner. If you're not currently having much sex (or not having sex at all), talk about it. 

Ask questions like: 

• “What do we do together intimately that IS working, that you DO like?” These can be the building blocks to bringing sex back into your lives.

• “I'm curious why we're not having as much sex as we used to. Is there something we can be doing to connect more or is there something you need from me?”

• “How often would you like to be having sex? What’s a realistic goal to set to start off with?”

It’s also a great time to set up a more intimate hello and goodbye routine. If you start giving each other longer kisses before leaving for work and when coming home, you’re naturally creating a way for emotional and physical intimacy to grow. Not into lots of kissing? Try longer, more intimate hugs or extended eye contact to start off with.

Do something new and fresh together

Sometimes we need to spice things up OUTSIDE the bedroom before we can bring the magic back into the bedroom. By getting adventurous outside of the bedroom we can create new opportunities for intimacy.

Try going on weekend trip or staycation, go out dancing together (totally sexy), hit up a yoga class, cook together or give each other the night off of cooking and explore a new restaurant and reestablish your connection outside of your routine and typical space.

Our brains benefit from novelty. According to research, “regular experience of novelty is essential to a long, happy life.”

Want to learn more?

To find out more about how to feel connected and intimate with your partner, check out my ezine’s The Different Libidos Issue, The Communication Issue, and The Slowdown Issue.

You can also chat with me. As an experienced sex and dating coach, I’ve helped people better understand their bodies, answer questions that they may not feel comfortable asking others, better their relationships, and improve their sex lives and dating strategies. Click here to learn more about sex and dating coaching with me.