Why can’t I orgasm with my partner?

I’ve had multiple clients say to me, “Sometimes it takes me minutes to orgasm by myself, but with my partner it never seems to happen! What’s wrong with me?”

If you have a similar experience, first off, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. It’s common to be able to bring yourself to orgasm through masturbation, but to find it difficult (or downright impossible) to orgasm with a partner during sexual experiences.

Think about it, when you’re focusing on self-pleasure you’re tuned in completely to your own needs and what feels good for YOUR body. Now ask yourself, when you’re with a partner can the same thing be said?

Many people struggle with making their pleasure a priority, particularly vulva-havers, because they don’t want to be a “burden” to their partner or seem too demanding.

In this post, I’ll cover why you deserve to orgasm with a partner, common mistakes when trying to orgasm with a partner, and things you can try so you can orgasm with your partner.

You deserve to orgasm with a partner

I’ve seen a common theme between many of my clients, they struggle to receive pleasure and would rather focus on giving pleasure to their partner. They don’t want their own pleasure to be a burden, to take too long, or to inconvenience their partner.

Sometimes this comes from previous experiences. If you’ve had a partner who made you feel like there was something wrong with you for “taking too long” to orgasm. Or maybe they weren’t receptive to your needs. It can be scary to put yourself out there again after basically being told your needs weren’t important.

Which is why I tell my clients who struggle with this issue: Your orgasm and pleasure is just as important as your partner’s and they should think so too.

Read that again because I really mean it. If you struggle with this idea, imagine how uncomfortable you would feel if the roles were reversed. How would you feel if you treated your partner’s sexual pleasure the same low priority as you’ve been giving your own?

How would your partner feel if you told them their pleasure wasn’t important? That it took too long, or it was a burden to you?

You’d probably feel like a jerk, and your partner probably wouldn’t be super excited to have sex after that. So why would you do the exact same thing to yourself?

Communication is key

Now that we’ve established that your pleasure is important too, the next step is communication.

The major advantage you have when pleasing yourself through masturbation is that you can feel what feels good to you. Your partner is left to guess, because, believe it or not, they really don’t know exactly what you like and how. And without communication about what feels good sexually and what doesn’t, it can become a very frustrating situation for the both of you.

Not only should you communicate to your sexual partner what feels good, but you can also show them how to stimulate you. Do you have a tried-and-true method of getting yourself of? Explain it to your partner, step by step. Or better yet, show them as a form of foreplay.

You don’t have to draw a picture, but thoroughly explaining what works for YOU can unlock so many possibilities with your partner.

Communication is also important while you’re having sex. It can encourage your partner to follow what feels good for you and avoid things that aren’t really working. If you’re not yet comfortable with real-time feedback, consider adding a post-sex check in to let your partner know what you really liked and what you could skip next time. Ask them for their feedback too! Sexual communication is a skill, and the more you practice in small ways the better you will become.

Communication is the bridge between “ok sex” and mind-blowing, exhilarating, connected sex.

Change your expectations

Expectations can put a ton of pressure on you and your partner. If you think it should take you 5 minutes to orgasm, think again!

For vulva-havers, a recent study showed that it takes approximately 13.5 minutes to reach orgasm. That’s 13.5 minutes of sexual stimulation, not including foreplay. This study was somewhat limited and only focused on heterosexual vulva-havers in monogamous relationships.

But there’s some incredible insight that comes to light with this study. Many found that penetration was not enough for a vulva-haver to reach orgasm. In fact, another study listed heterosexual vulva-havers as the least likely to orgasm during sex compared to any other orientation. This study explains what typically helped a vulva-haver reach orgasm with their partner:

“Compared to women who orgasmed less frequently, women who orgasmed more frequently were more likely to: receive more oral sex, have longer duration of last sex, be more satisfied with their relationship, ask for what they want in bed, praise their partner for something they did in bed . . . Women were more likely to orgasm if their last sexual encounter included deep kissing, manual genital stimulation, and/or oral sex in addition to vaginal intercourse.”

If we look at all of these studies together, it becomes clearer that we tend to get stuck on this idea that orgasms should come from a certain type of penetration, but in reality they can happen in many different ways. In fact, some ways may be more reliable than penetrative sexual intercourse.

For many, the expectation that a vulva-haver will orgasm from penetration is unrealistic. For more information on that subject, check out my article “Why can’t I orgasm through penetration?”

This is why I often tell clients to look at the way they personally reach orgasm and work backwards. For example, if you masturbate ONLY with your clitoris to achieve orgasm by yourself, then you will need this physical stimulation to orgasm with a partner as well.

Ultimately, the power to orgasm is in your hands. YOU know what works for YOUR body, the key is to feel empowered enough to ask for what YOU need.

Explore orgasms on your own

You need to know how to pleasure your own body before you can orgasm with a partner (or to be able to teach your partner). Think about it, if you struggle to orgasm on your own, it’s hard to expect your partner to get you there themselves. And if you’re comfortable with orgasming solo, you’ll know what to feel or expect.

Oftentimes it’s the pressure or the fixation on whether or not you’ll orgasm that actually can prevent you from orgasming. If you’re able to get some practice in with yourself you’ll feel more comfortable and be less likely to fixate.

If you’re struggling, think of it as a fun way to research different ways to orgasm with your partner. Explore different penetration techniques on your own that you can replicate with your partner.

Going into the experience with some already established expertise can give you confidence and greatly lower the chances of either of you getting frustrated.

Realize that orgasm is an active process

You are an active participant in your own orgasm. Realizing that can help you feel less helpless.

According to AASECT-certified sex therapist Janet Brito, “There’s no need to hurry . . . Everyone comes at their own time, and that’s OK. When it comes to orgasm, you’re responsible for your own until you’ve taught your partner what feels good to you and your body.”

Orgasming isn’t something that’s just going to happen to you and no one has the magical power to give you an orgasm. It is you who has the power to explore what works for you and your body and orgasmic potential resides inside you - and it can be fun to explore how to access this with a partner!

Be mindful of what’s happening to your body. Use all of your senses and really tune into what’s going on so you can tune out any unhelpful or distracting thoughts.

According to sex therapist Vanessa Marin, “You see the same sort of advice over and over again: ‘just relax’ and ‘stop thinking about it.’ These articles make it seem like orgasm is a passive process . . . What I've now learned is that orgasm requires me to be active and take responsibility for my own pleasure. I literally and figuratively took my pleasure into my own hands.”

It’s also completely okay to fantasize, it can even be something sexy you share with your partner. The whole point is to open yourself up to pleasure instead of just focusing on pleasing your partner. By realizing that orgasm is an active process, you realize that YOU have the power to unlock what feels good for you.

Want to learn more?

If you want to learn more about orgasms and communicating to your partner during sex, then check out my ezine’s The Orgasm Issue and The Communication Issue.

If all else fails, and you can’t seem to achieve orgasm with your partner no matter what, there might be something else going on. So, let’s chat. As an experienced sex coach, I’ve helped people of all genders experience better orgasms and a more pleasurable sex life. Click here to learn more about sex and dating coaching with me.