Why can't I orgasm through penetration?
It’s a bitter reality for penis-owners and dildo-wielders everywhere: you can thrust for hours, and never bring your partner to orgasm.
Vulva-people know this all too well: penetration may FEEL amazing, but orgasm is JUST out of reach.
It’s like constantly pulling lotto numbers that are just a few digits off. It feels good, so you continue to play, hoping the next attempt will yield a winning ticket. But the orgasm never comes … at least not when you’re having penetrative sex with a partner.
And when your partner keeps asking, “Are you closer? Is this working? Are you gonna come?” It can cause self-doubt and sexual frustration.
So, what gives? Is your orgasm machine broken?
In this article, we’ll dive into WHY it's so hard for many vulva-havers to orgasm through penetration, why you shouldn’t freak out if this is true for you, and what to do instead.
Why Can’t I Orgasm During Penetrative Sex?
Because many bodies don’t work like that.
A recent report reveals that “...only 18% of women said they could orgasm from penetration alone… compared to 37% who said they needed clitoral stimulation to orgasm.”
And look -- reaching climax through clitoral stimulation is a major win, no matter the situation. But you might be tempted by all these glossy magazines that promise “Mind-blowing g-spot orgasms”, and you’re wondering “why can’t I orgasm without the clit? Are my orgasms WRONG!?”
Different bodies orgasm differently.
We are constantly inundated with “facts” about what the female orgasm is “supposed to look like or feel like” and messages that all bodies should feel and behave the same.
Some people orgasm perfectly fine through g-spot stimulation, but don’t be fooled: the majority of people with vulvas can only orgasm if their clit is stimulated.
Is one type better than the other? NOPE! Orgasms are great no matter what. So love and enjoy whatever orgasm you’ve got.
How Elusive Is the Vaginal Orgasm?
Back in 2005, author Elisabeth Lloyd released The Case of the Female Orgasm, a book that remains one of the most extensive pieces on the subject. Lloyd’s case study shook the very foundation of what we have long assumed about female orgasms.
Lloyd’s book contained over 80 years of personal research and it presented very intriguing findings. Vulva-havers have evolved to experience orgasms, whereas most other members of the primate family are incapable of experiencing this pleasure. While this topic warrants a separate discussion in and of itself, the portion of the book that focuses on the modern vagina-haver’s orgasms (or lack thereof) found something incredible:
“...only one-quarter of women reliably experience orgasm during intercourse.”
Only HALF of women will only occasionally climax during intercourse, while 20% rarely have orgasms during intercourse.
And get this -- 5% of vulva-havers never experience orgasm no matter what partner or high-tech sex toy tries their mightiest. So if you’re in this camp, you’re not alone, but it may be possible to work toward regular orgasms if that’s your goal.
How to Reach Orgasm During Sex
Type in how to "find the G-spot" in your browser and you will pull-up HUNDREDS of pages that promise deep, satisfying orgasms.
But Elisabeth Lloyd found that many women already know how to hit the G-spot, and they still don’t orgasm. And you know what? That's totally fine.
So here’s how to reach orgasm with a partner.
3 ways to reach orgasm during sex for clit people
There are tons of amazing and creative ways to achieve orgasm, and as research shows, more and more people are embracing ANY route to orgasm … penetration or not.
Because pleasure is pleasure!
Here are some ideas:
#1: Stay on Third Base
Ah, it’s like high school all over again (in the best way!). Sticking with oral sex, toys, or a finger-based-approach, sex with or without penetration can lead to some amazing orgasms. Think about it, fingers are far more dexterous than other body parts and toys can provide stimulation for longer periods of time.
What else is there to love about Third Base? a reduced risk for STI’s and pregnancy. (Although the risk is still there whenever bodily fluids are involved, so to be cautious use dental dams and finger condoms.)
#2: Stimulate the clit during penetration
It’s the best of both worlds!
There are two ways to stimulate the clit during penetration: get your partner to “grind” against the clit with their pubic area as they thrust into you, or you or they can manually stimulate the clit while they’re penetrating you.
Try the “seashell” sex position: the vulva-haver lays on their back, lifts their legs over their head, and their partner thrusts into them. “This way, your vulva is very exposed [and] there’s a lot of clitoral and inner labial stimulation”, according to Women’s Health.
Or try the Coital Alignment Technique: in missionary position, “slide yourself down a little so you can grind against your partner’s pubic mound, and squeeze your legs together”, as mentioned in Health.
Or, use a hands-free vibrator like this one, or just the old fashioned ‘fingers on the clit’ method during penetration. This route is great, because you remain in control of tempo and applied pressure.
#3: Stimulate the clit AFTER penetration
You can also opt to orgasm after your partner does by having them stimulate your clit and vulva with their tongue, fingers, or toy. As a close friend once said, “Just because the penis is down for the count, doesn’t mean the fingers and mouth need to be napping too!” (Which is a great thing to remember for anyone who struggles with erectile dysfunction from time to time!)
Still Can't Orgasm? Let’s figure this out together.
If all else fails, and you can’t seem to achieve orgasm no matter what, it might be time to consult a physician to rule out any medical conditions or medications that might be making orgasm difficult.
But if it’s not a medical condition or medication preventing orgasm, there might be something else going on. As an experienced sex coach, I’ve helped vulva-havers experience better orgasms and a more pleasurable sex life. Click here to learn more about sex and dating coaching with me.