Pain during sex: 5 ways to deal (for women)

Sex is supposed to be enjoyable and bring you closer with your partner but all too often, sex physically hurts for women. 

A client of mine once told me, “I’ve had pain during sex for the past three partners now, and literally -- I thought that pain during sex was normal and that women just had to suck it up.” 

As a professional sex coach, I’m here to tell you: sex shouldn’t hurt. If painful sex becomes a chronic problem for you, here are a few things you should know.

You’re Not Alone: Pain during Sex is Common 

According to studies, up to 75 percent of women will experience pain during sex at some point in their lives. For many women, this pain is persistent, and begins to affect their relationship with their partner. 

When sex consistently hurts, it becomes more easy to avoid sex altogether, which leads to sexless relationships, feelings of rejection, and a lack of intimacy with your partner. 

Which is … not what we’re going for. 

If sex persistently hurts, I encourage you to speak to your healthcare provider so you can figure out the cause. Pain can be really hard to describe, especially sexual pain. Take this Pain Perception Assessment from OhNut so you can arrive to your appointment prepared with an accurate description, so your OBGYN can actually help you. (Oh, and pain can sometimes be caused by vaginal capacity, and OhNut can help you customize your penetration depth. Check it out.

Which leads us to our next point.

Common Causes of Pain During Intercourse (For Women) 

First and foremost, you should rule out possible medical conditions that might be contributing to pain during sex. 

Some common conditions that contribute to this pain include; 

• Endometriosis 

• Infections (like a UTI) 

• Vaginitis (vaginal inflammation) 

• Vaginismus (tightening of the muscles around the vaginal wall) 

• Pelvic inflammatory disease 

• Irritable bowel syndrome 

• Uterine fibroids 

Often, pain during sex is caused by a dry vagina. So if you’re hitting menopause, on certain medications (like SSRIs for depression), or are breastfeeding, be sure to keep all-natural, water-based lube by the bed … your vagina will need a little extra lubrication to feel more like lubricated and supple. 

Stress and Psychological Issues Can Also Cause Painful Intercourse 

So, you’ve been to your doctor and she’s ruled out all the above medical conditions. If this is the case, it might be time to go to a different kind of doctor (one who sits in a therapists’ chair.) 

Painful intercourse often happens because of psychological reasons, like stress and anxiety (as if you needed something else to feel stressed about.) 

Here’s the thing: if you’re stressed, anxious, uptight, and unable to relax… sex might be more painful. 

This psychological stress can tighten the muscles of your pelvic floor, causing tension during sexual intercourse. 

And real talk: if you’ve experienced sexual trauma in the past, the tension can get stuck in your body and cause painful lovemaking. This is 100% figureoutable and I encourage you to talk to a therapist or sign up for sex coaching.

5 Steps to Take if You Experience Pain During Sex 

In my years of sex coaching, I’ve seen couples avoid sex for YEARS because (understandably) they don’t want to physically hurt anyone. 

But there’s a much better way than throwing away your sex life for months or years at a time. 

Step 1: Use Lube. 

I touched on this a bit already, but its so important that I feel the need to repeat myself. The most common cause of painful intercourse is a dry vagina. Adding some all-natural, water-based lubrication can make sex way more enjoyable. 

(Heads up: silicone-based lube can break condoms, so lube wisely with water-based.) 

Step 2: Spend lots of time on foreplay. 

Another major cause of pain during sex is a lack of arousal at time of penetration. So if your partner goes from 0 to 60 in no time and tries to penetrate you before you feel fully aroused, encourage them to slow their roll. 

Some vulva-havers need 20-30 minutes on foreplay before any type of penetrative sex. If you’re feeling super aroused and lubricated it’s a good indication that you’re ready for that penetration. 

Step 3: Relax before having sex. 

It can be hard enough to switch gears after a long, hard day of work. All that stress and tension can get trapped inside your body and come out as pain during sex. 

Not fun. 

Alleviate this by spending some “cool-down” time before getting it on. Try a hot bath, a couple’s massage, or yoga. 

One of my favorite moves: look deep into each other's eyes and focus on deep breathing. This is a super hot way to tackle foreplay, and it’s extremely effective at calming down both partners. 

Step 4: Focus on sexual activities that don’t cause pain.

As a society, we tend to focus purely on penetrative sex (aka, PIV -- penis in vagina -- sex.) 

There’s so much more to sex than Penis In Vagina, folks. And once we collectively understand this, our sex lives will become far more enjoyable, exploratory, and adventurous. 

Some ideas for painless, penetration-less sex: oral sex and/or enjoy some sixty-nineing. Mutual masturbation can be fun and is often underrated. Use a vibrator. Try pegging or anal sex.  The possibilities are endless. 

Step 5: Speak to a therapist or sex coach. 

Eventually, you’ll want the freedom of penetrative sex without the fear of pain. 

This is why it’s so important to talk to a therapist or sex coach, who can help you through these problems and give you back your sex life. 

Of course, rule out any medical conditions first with your doctor, and if none crop up, getting professional sexuality support can provide customized, personal support so you can get back to having pleasure-filled, amazing sex. Click here to apply for sex coaching today!

Want to learn more?

If you want to learn more about foreplay techniques, then check out my ezine’s The Foreplay Issue. This issue has my Coaching Worksheet, which will help you identify opportunities for improvement and find remedies for foreplay problems.

You can also chat with me. As an experienced sex and dating coach, I’ve helped people from all walks of life improve their foreplay techniques, sex lives, and dating strategies. Click here to learn more about sex and dating coaching with me.