Do You Believe These Myths About Female Sexuality? (Sex myths and facts)

There’s a cultural story around sex that has prevailed for generations. This cultural story tells us what to believe around sex, what to believe about our own bodies, and how we should behave. 

But here’s the thing: just because a belief is engrained in the fabric of our cultural story, doesn’t make it true. 

These myths are allowed to prevail for YEARS because American sex education is woefully lacking. Chances are, your sex education involved an under-qualified gym teacher telling you that if you have sex, you’ll get horrible, itchy, painful STDs, so “you should avoid sex at all costs!” 

And, most of our parents shied away from talking about healthy sex attitudes, mainly because they too, were under the spell of our cultural story. 

Unfortunately, many of the myths perpetuated by our cultural story center around women: how much women should want sex, how our bodies work, and how much women enjoy sex to begin with. Our cultural story has painted women as chaste, pure, sex-haters who would never deign to touch ourselves - and if we don’t reflect these stereotypes something is terribly wrong with us. 

At its worst, our cultural story feeds into rape culture and misunderstandings about consent and boundaries. 

As a professional sex coach, I encourage you to enter into a new era of sexual enlightenment: where we follow the science, understand our bodies, and are free to pursue the most pleasurable sex life possible.

So without further ado, here are the 7 most prevalent myths I hear about sexuality, so we can set the record straight for good. 

MYTH #1: Women don’t want sex as often as men do.

FACT: Women love sex so much that most women aren’t getting laid as often as they’d like.

According to a 2015 survey by Kindara, a fertility awareness app, 89.2% of women believe that sex is “very” important to a relationship, and 52.3% of women want MORE sex -- and would prefer to get it on three to five times per week. 

So, if sex is so important to women, where did this myth come from? 

Probably from the fact that women’s arousal tends to behave differently than men’s. 

As chronicled in her book “Come As You Are”, Emily Nagoski points out that generally, a man’s arousal tends to be “spontaneous”, as in, men can get aroused at the drop of a hat, or more accurately, at the drop of panties. 

Women’s arousal works a little differently. “Though many people can experience desire in anticipation of pleasure, other people, at least some of the time, experience desire in response to pleasure. Pleasure comes first, and desire emerges from it. It’s called ‘responsive desire,’ and it’s normal,” writes Nagoski, “Some people find that they begin to want sex only after sexy things are already happening. And they’re normal. They don’t have ‘low’ desire, they don’t suffer from any ailment, and they don’t long to initiate but feel like they’re not allowed to. Their bodies just need some more compelling reason than, ‘That’s an attractive person right there,’ to want sex.”

MYTH #2: A wet vagina equals arousal

FACT: Your vagina can be very wet when you’re NOT aroused, and your vagina can be dry when you ARE aroused. 

It’s called “non-concordance”, and it means that your physical response to sexual stimulation does not always line up with our desire for sex. 

So, if a man is really turned on and wants sex, but is having a hard time getting an erection? He’s experiencing arousal non-concordance. 

And for vagina-havers, genital lubrication is just a fact of life. Your vagina can become wet randomly during non-sexual situations, or even when you don’t want sex at all. 

“Genital response is not consent,” says sex researcher Meredith Chivers. 

MYTH #3:  Women don’t watch porn. 

FACT: Women make up one-third of all porn viewers.

Our cultural story likes to spread the line that “men watch porn and women are the porn stars” but we now know that women make up a significant portion of porn watchers, and if you’ve ever seen porn, you know that all genders can act in porn, too. 

In fact, despite what we’ve all been led to believe, women tend to have increasingly positive attitudes toward porn. A small, recent study even captured women saying that porn had an “empowering” effect, that they use porn to increase pleasure and satisfy their desires. 

MYTH #4: The vagina is an all-encompassing term.

FACT: The vulva makes up the female sex organ people can see and touch externally, whereas the vagina is 100% internal. 

Let it be known: the vulva is external, encompassing the labia majora, the labia minora, the clitoral hood, and the clitoral head.  

The vagina, on the other hand, or the vaginal canal, is the primary internal muscular canal extending from the vulva to the cervix. 

MYTH #5: Sex is only “good” if it ends in orgasm.

FACT: sex doesn’t need an orgasm to feel amazing. 

This belief has people feeling frustrated when they SHOULD be feeling great and enjoying themselves. When you treat sex like a sprint toward an orgasm, you’re missing out on the full spectrum of pleasure available to you. 

As soon as we let go of our expectation to orgasm, we can relax into the full pleasure of sex. 

And, lest we hang onto the belief that “If someone doesn’t orgasm, their partner must not be a good lover,” remember that there are plenty of factors that can get in the way of orgasm, including certain medical conditions, medications, or stress. 

In fact, many women need direct clitoral stimulation in order to achieve orgasm at all, which means they’re unlikely to orgasm from penetration alone. 

MYTH #6: The clit is just a tiny little nub.

FACT: The clitoris has legs, called the “crura” that follow all the way down the labia and the opening of the vagina. 

And, it feels amazing to stimulate the crura!

The part of the clit you know and love is called the “glans”, and it’s just a tiny part of a larger internal system with eighteen different features, such as the hood, erectile tissue, vestibular bulbs, and a shaft.

MYTH #7: Sex should come easily and spontaneously. 

FACT: A good sex life takes work and planning. 

In film and television, we’re inundated with breathless, passionate sexual encounters where people can barely close the front door before layers of clothes start flying off. 

Real life sex isn’t so iron-hot all the time. 

In fact, a pleasurable, adventurous sex life full of fun and variety require a little bit of work and yes, planning.  So whether you’re trying to overcome sexual dysfunction, low libido, pain during sex, or simply just trying to bring more fun and variety into your sex life, sometimes you need professional guidance. 

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Want to learn more?

To find out more about female sexuality, make sure to check out my ezine’s The Vulva Issue, The Squirting Issue, and The Libido Issue.

You can also chat with me. As an experienced sex and dating coach, I’ve helped people better understand their bodies, answer questions that they may not feel comfortable asking others, and improve their sex lives and dating strategies. Click here to learn more about sex and dating coaching with me.