Help! My Sexual Fantasies Aren’t What I Want in Real Life

Trigger warning: this article alludes to rape without going into detail. 

Are you dealing with a recurring sexual fantasy that bothers you, because it runs against your values? 

Or do your sexual fantasies represent something you absolutely would NOT want in real life? 

You’re in good company. 

“I love my partner,” says one of my clients, let’s call them Alex, “So it upsets me that I fantasize about my ex. They were awful to me and I don’t want anything to do with them, but when I fantasize, there they are.” 

No matter what your fantasy is, or how guilty it makes you feel, I want you take a deep breath. 

Know this: your fantasies do not always have to align with your values. In fact, they probably won’t. 

Sexuality is a little more unruly than that. 

Just because you fantasize about something, doesn’t mean you want it to happen in real life (this is why they’re called fantasies!) and there’s nothing -- absolutely nothing -- to feel ashamed or guilty about. 

In fact, alleviating the shame around sexual fantasies is an important part of becoming a sex-positive human. 

Is it normal to have sexual fantasies? 

I don’t love using the word “normal” when it comes to sex. We’re all different. 

But when it comes to the prevalence of sexual fantasies, I can confidently say that yes, it’s perfectly normal. 

In fact, 97% of Americans report having a sexual fantasy, according to the Kinsey Institute. 

So if your sexual fantasy makes you feel embarrassed or like you have to hide, I want you to know that nothing is wrong with you. 

What does it mean to have sexual fantasies? 

You might wonder where the hell these sexual thoughts and fantasies even come from. You might wonder: “What do my sexual fantasies say about me?” 

Well, first of all, they mean you’re a perfectly healthy sexual being.

Second of all, there are plenty of reasons why people have sexual fantasies: 

• To meet unfulfilled needs 

  Do you have recurring fantasies of being dominated? Maybe there’s a part of you that feels tired of always making decisions in real life. Maybe there’s a part of you that wants to be led for once -- instead of always being the leader. 

• To escape reality 

  When we were young, we liked to play “pretend”. Your sexual fantasies aren’t so different. Our brains need variety, and fantasies can provide us this sense of adventure we might not be getting in real life.

• Because they’re fun and help turn us on!

  When it comes to sexual fantasy, the gloves come off. In our minds, we’re allowed to do anything and be anyone. Nothing is off-limits. If imagining that your partner is Stephen Colbert, or an ex, or a co-worker turns you on and brings you to orgasm, there’s really nothing wrong with that. Unless you’re starting to feel like your sexual fantasies are getting in the way of you having a healthy sexual relationship with your partner. If that’s the case, click here to apply for sex coaching so we can get you on track.

What are some common sexual fantasies women have?

Wondering if any other women have the same sexual fantasies as you? Chances are, they do. Here’s a short list of some of the most common sexual fantasies women have.

Please note: this list is NOT exhaustive by any means, so if your specific sexual fantasy doesn’t appear here, it doesn’t mean that fantasy is rare or “weird”. Got it? 

• Being dominated 

60% of women fantasize about being dominated, according to a study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine. 

• Being forced to have sex 

Often called “rape” fantasies, fantasizing about forced sex is common, and absolutely does not mean you support or condone sexual coersion or violence. 

Between 31 and 62% of women have rape fantasies, according to a women-led team of researchers based at the University of North Texas and the University of Notre Dame. 

So what’s really behind rape fantasies? First of all, they’re not actually about rape or violent assault. Hardly any of  these sexual fantasies include violence (which, let’s be clear: rape is violence, not sex.) but these fantasies were more about being so irresistible that your partner can’t help themselves from ravishing you. 

• Having sex with multiple partners 

56.5% of women surveyed had fantasized about having sex with more than three people (according to The Kinsey Institute). (And you thought three was a crowd!) 

So if you’re conflicted about wanting to stay monogamous IRL and fantasizing about wild threesomes, don’t worry. You’re not alone. And it doesn’t mean you necessarily want to advertise for a unicorn on Tinder tonight, thought I wouldn’t judge.

• Getting it on with someone of a gender that’s not your norm

It’s incredibly common to fantasize about people of genders you don’t usually “go” for or date. So if you’re a woman who considers herself on the straight side of the spectrum, and you’re fantasizing about other women, know this is totally normal.

Because we live in a heteronormative culture, it’s understandable to experience some confusion over fantasies like this. If you keep having fantasies about members of a gender you’re not normally attracted to, consider digging deeper into this attraction. Does this attraction just live in a fantasy world, or is this something you would want to pursue in real life? If you’re afraid to explore your own sexual orientation and internal questioning, sex coaching can help.

How to talk about sexual fantasies with my partner? 

First of all, you don’t have to share ALL of your sexual fantasies with your partner. 

It’s okay to keep some things private. Privacy and boundaries are an important part of every healthy relationship.

But if you want to open up about your sexual fantasies to your partner, great!  Opening up about sex to your partner can be scary -- and incredibly rewarding. 

There are a couple routes you can take: you can be playful and coy, or approach it in the spirit of serious honesty. 

Incorporate your fantasies into your dirty talk and see how your partner responds, or tell them straight up, “Sometimes I have a sexual fantasy and I thought it would be hot if you knew about it.” 

Either way -- whether you want to outright tell them or not -- you can explore your sexual fantasies with your partner through sexual play (think: sex toys!), or watching porn together that explores this fantasy. 

You both might end up having tons of fun.

Do your sexual fantasies bother you? 

Fantasies are harmless (and pretty cool, actually!). There’s nothing wrong with exploring them.

As a professional sex coach, I like to think of our sex lives like an entire universe. Our fantasies are just a part of that vast universe — they don’t encompass all we are as sexual beings. Our fantasies allow us to journey away from our home planet and venture into other worlds… through porn, erotica, and through the use of our own imagination. But no matter what sexy planet we jet off too, it doesn’t mean we have to live there.

If you feel like your fantasies are pulling you away from healthy sex with your partner, or if you’re having a hard time overcoming guilt around your sexual thoughts, it might be time to lighten the load by talking to a trusted professional.  

Sex coaching can help you overcome excessive feelings of guilt or shame, and help you incorporate your fantasies into a perfectly healthy, pleasure-forward sex life. Click here to apply for coaching today!