Your guide to dirty talk
For those new to dirty talk, it can feel like there’s a fine line between being smoldering or sexy and silly or ridiculous. Nobody wants to feel like Andy Stitzer from the 40-Year-Old Virgin trying to dirty talk on the fly. And I’m here to tell you that for some (I would even say many), dirty talk doesn’t come naturally. It takes practice -- and that’s ok!
I’ve had clients say, “I was so tongue tied, I had no idea what to say! I was embarrassed and it didn’t feel sexy at all.”
If that’s you, or if you’ve been too scared to even try, first… take a deep breath! Dirty talk doesn’t have to be scary. In this article, we’ll cover the why dirty talk can make sex better, a breakdown of exactly HOW to do it, and some examples you can try.
Why dirty talk?
According to a recent study, dirty talk fantasies are common regardless of gender, but vulva-havers were most likely to fantasize about it (and fantasize more often). Specifically the study breaks down:
93% of vulva-havers had fantasized about dirty talk, and 56% said they fantasize about it often.
90% of penis-havers had fantasized about dirty talk, and 43% said they fantasize about it often.
86% of non-binary participants had fantasized about dirty talk, and 42% said they fantasize about it often.
So then, what exactly is it about dirty talk that gets so many going? It’s all in the brain! Arguably one of the biggest sex organs, the brain is where sexual desire starts. Expert Daryl Cioffi tells Medical Daily: “People very much enjoy dirty talking because it activates all regions of your brain while your body is also getting stimulated.” Our pleasure centers are being stimulated by both our mind AND our body, which explains why this can be a huge turn on for some and can be a point of connection with your partner.
It also gets us thinking about sex in general. For those who are wanting to up their foreplay game or try phone sex, adding dirty talk into your sex life can spice things up (also check out my article Foreplay Basics for Every Body). It can add a new sense of adventure to sex that may feel routine by describing exactly what you want to do with your partner or have done to you.
How to talk dirty
We’ve covered the why, now let’s break down the basics of HOW with the following step-by-step guide.
Start with consent
One of the biggest mistakes we can make is not asking for consent. Talking dirty to someone without their consent can come off like an unsolicited dick pic or worse. It can feel like a total disregard for boundaries or personal feelings. Also, initiating dirty talk when the other person is willing and ready will be far more successful than trying when they are stressed or in the case of sexting… in a meeting.
Asking for consent doesn’t have to feel rigid either. Asking for consent and having open communication can be as simple as saying: “I was fantasizing about the sexiest thing, can I tell you all about it?” Or if it’s over text: “I’ve been thinking about [insert sexy thing here] all morning. Are you ready for some X-Rated texts?”
It’s also a great time to go over boundaries. Are there certain things your partner does NOT want to be called, or might find triggering? This is especially important if you find derogatory terms arousing.
Go at your own speed
If you’re more of a writer and less of a talker, start with sexting. This gives you the opportunity to think about your response and offers some privacy to those who are easily embarrassed. Think of it as a warm up before trying it in person!
This also means you can stop if you’re feeling overwhelmed. There’s nothing wrong with trying for a bit and then taking a break, it only gets easier with time and practice.
Try sprinkling in a few dirty words or moans the next time you’re having sex, you might be surprised how quickly it can come naturally!
Don’t forget to have fun
The best way to really get into dirty talk is to let loose! You should feel comfortable enough with your partner to have a few laughs about it if it doesn't feel natural at first. This should be a fun and explorative experience -- try not to overthink it. A lighthearted approach can do wonders.
Consider yourself the narrator
Sometimes dirty talk can be easier if you’re focused on what’s happening in the here and now. Describing the situation out loud may sound simple, but that’s the point!
Narrate what you’re experiencing. “I’m so wet” or “You make me so hard” are easy ways to communicate with your partner how YOUR body is responding. Not only does it add to the sexiness of the situation, it’s literally giving your partner positive feedback.
Make some noise
While it may not be actual words, vocalizations are an essential part of dirty talk. Moaning or other positive verbal cues can be sexy to your partner and it gives them feedback on whatever they’re doing. You can pair these verbal cues with matching body language as well.
At a loss for words? Try moaning, it can be a good intro to voicing exactly what you want and establishes clear communication with your partner. This works for sexting too! Feel free to add an “Mmmmmmm” now and then when you’re feeling it.
4 steps to dirty talk
Dirty talk can be a super hot part of foreplay, which often begs the question: how do you even start dirty talk? Here’s your play-by-play guide.
Build anticipation
This can be texting earlier in the day to set the mood for in the evening or sprinkling hints throughout the day in conversation.
Examples:
“I can’t wait to undress you later.”
“When I see you later I’m going to make you squirt.”
“You’ve been a naughty [boy/girl/established pet name]. What should I do about that?”In the heat of the moment
These are examples of things to say when you’re in the thick of it: actually having sex with your partner. Remember, be the narrator!
Examples:
“I’m so hard right now. You turn me on so much.”
“You fill me up so much I feel like I could burst.”
“I’m so wet. I love feeling your tongue on my pussy.”Invite interaction
These are great ways to help get your partner involved if they’re feeling shy or unsure.
Examples:
“Describe to me one of your favorite times we’ve had sex. What did I do that turned you on?”
“What would you do if I [insert fantasy here]?”
”What do you want to do to me?”Positive response
Let your partner know that they’re doing a good job, it can help you both feel more comfortable.
Examples:
“You know just what to say to get me going.”
“That thing you said, I can’t wait to try it later!”
”I love how you taste/feel”
Want to learn more?
To find out more about dirty talk strategies, check out my ezine’s The Communication Issue.
If you’re still struggling with how to work dirty talk into your sex life or need help spicing up your sex life, I’m here to help. You deserve to feel comfortable enough to unlock what feels good for you, so you can get back to a pleasure-filled sex life. My coaching packages are tailored specifically to your needs and I work with LGBTQAI, poly, kinky folks of all ages, races, and abilities.
As an experienced sex and dating coach, I’ve helped people better understand their bodies, answer questions that they may not feel comfortable asking others, and improve their sex lives and dating strategies. Click here to learn more about sex and dating coaching with me.