Got an STI? Here’s why you don’t have to feel ashamed.
“It still makes me so embarrassed when I think about it,” a client said to me, about having recently realized she had HPV (Human Papilloma Virus), “I just feel helpless.”
If you’ve recently learned — or even if you just have a hunch that you might — have a sexually transmitted infection (STI), I want you to take a deep breath.
Everything will be okay.
You are far from alone.
Receiving an STI diagnosis does NOT make you a bad person. It does NOT mean you are “dirty” or “unclean.” It DOES NOT mean that your sex life is over, or that nobody will ever want sleep with you again. STIs are not the big scary life stopper that society has taught us they are.
In this article, we’ll talk about the all-too-common shame that may come with learning you have an STI, and some important truths you should know so you can move forward in wellness and pleasure… not in shame.
Why is shame around STIs so common?
Where did you receive the majority of your information around STIs? For many of us, the answer is “health class”.
(Cue flashbacks of slide shows of grisly, horrible things — painful-looking legions, red rashes, and pustules that can happen to your genitals if you don’t choose absolute abstinence.)
This fear-based education makes STIs sound like the scariest thing ever. And still — even though we live in a time of rising sex positivity, there is a lack of support for those who test positive.
My clients tell me horror stories: of things their partners, friends, and family members say to them in those vulnerable moments when they’re looking for support. Even many health professionals cast judgment on people who test positive for STIs. When the people who are supposed to support you won’t accept you, it’s easy to think, “Who will?”.
Shame can leave us feeling trapped and alone.
According to obstetrician and gynecologist Dr. Jen Gunter, “Shame and stigma are effective weapons of control that have been used throughout history to marginalize women, people of color and the LGBTQ+ community.” What we know is that shame marginalizes, it doesn’t prevent STIs from happening.
So what’s the best way to combat all the shame that comes with a positive test result?
The power is in the facts. The truth is in the numbers.
STI facts you need to know
I can say it until I’m blue in the face: you are not alone. But you might still FEEL alone. Maybe a look at the numbers might help:
There are roughly 20 million new cases of sexually transmitted infections in the US each year, half of which are ages 15–24 years old. This number doesn’t even account for the already existing STI cases.
To break it down further, 50% of sexually active people will have at least one STI by age 25 (HPV being the most common).
According to the CDC, 1 in 5 people in the US have an STI.
Anyone can get an STI because any BODY can get an STI.
Whether you’re cis, trans, nonbinary, bisexual, queer, straight, 16 years old or 64 -- STIs are just a part of the reality of being sexually active.
The good news? You can still live a happy and healthy life with an STI.
Many STIs can be cured with medication. Some of the most common (chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis) are caused by bacteria and are treated with antibiotics.
For STIs caused by viruses (like herpes and HPV), there are medications that can help you manage your symptoms and live a healthy, pleasure-filled life.
In fact, many people are surprised by just how little their STI comes into play in their sex lives. Taking a healthy, responsible approach to managing your symptoms and communicating with your partners does wonders.
More reasons to shed your shame
Now that you know some facts about STIs, I’m hoping it’s changed the narrative a bit for you. But if you’re still feeling ashamed, here are some more reasons to reconsider:
People who feel shame are less likely to seek treatment.
The best thing you can do for yourself is to be proactive in your health! The health clinic is your friend! If you’re worried that you may have an STI, don’t skip out on STI testing because you’re too afraid of the results.
Not only will you be unable to get the help you need, but prolonging treatment can lead to sexual health problems like pelvic inflammatory disease or infertility.
People who feel shame are less likely to tell their sex partners.
While it can be a difficult conversation to have, it’s SO important to communicate with your partner or partners about any STIs.
If it’s something you found out after already being sexually active with them, it allows them to get the treatment they may also need.
Or if it’s a conversation with a new sexual partner, it allows them to ask you any questions they may have before initiating sexual activity with you. It creates room for communication and trust -- two very important things to bring into the bedroom!
People who feel shame bring baggage into the bedroom.
Nothing stifles a sexual connection quite like shame. Shame makes us want to draw into ourselves and hide from others, which is the opposite of what a healthy, pleasurable sex life commands! Shame destroys connection and rises anxiety about being judged.
Some people are so terrified of being rejected that they don’t leave room for acceptance. It can create a massive barrier in their sex lives, leading to problems like pain with intercourse and difficulty with orgasm.
Open up and make room for self love
Let’s be clear, no matter what STI you have, you ARE worthy of love. You ARE worthy of sex. You are NOT dirty. You are NOT bad or wrong for having an STI.
If you’re struggling with feelings of guilt, embarrassment or shame, I’m here to help. You deserve shame-free support that helps you get back to loving and accepting yourself, so you can get back to the pleasure-filled, sex life you deserve. My coaching packages are tailored specifically to your needs and I work with LGBTQAI, poly, kinky folks of all ages, races and abilities. Click here to learn more about sex and dating coaching with me.
Want to learn more?
To find out more about STIs, how to handle STIs, how to protect yourself from STIs, and how to tell future partners if you have an STI, check out my ezine’s The Hygiene and Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs) Issue.
You can also chat with me. As an experienced sex and dating coach, I’ve helped people better understand their bodies, answer questions that they may not feel comfortable asking others, and improve their sex lives and dating strategies. Click here to learn more about sex and dating coaching with me.