Why you’re struggling to establish a connection through online dating

It’s Saturday night and you find yourself scrolling through multiple dating apps, swiping right on just about anyone – you’ve definitely lowered your standards since you first started using these apps.

You let out a deep sigh as you check your inboxes. They’re cluttered with basic messages like, “Hey.” or the conversations just seem to fall flat. Maybe you’re getting overly sexualized messages, not enough sexy messages or no messages period. This wasn’t how you imagined spending your time as a not-so-recently single person.

This is supposed to be fun,” you think to yourself. “What happened?!”

Does this scene sound familiar? Do you find yourself struggling to make connections through online dating apps? If so, you’re definitely NOT alone.

In this post, I’ll cover some of the mistakes you can make on online dating apps. From using the wrong apps to not conveying your personality or needs accurately, it’s so easy to get lost in the process of online dating. This article will help you clear the path so you can get to the fun parts of dating and meet people you want to meet.

Maybe you’re on the wrong dating apps

Sometimes less is more.

I’ve had clients come to me completely overwhelmed by keeping up with all the messages they receive across the 5–10 apps they have installed on their phone. They’re worried if they don’t respond to every single message, they’ll miss the message from “the one.”

Meanwhile their phone is constantly chiming with notifications, completely bogging down their entire day.

Slow down. Take a deep breath. Sometimes dating is more like a marathon than a sprint.

And weeding through lots of messages from people with whom you just don’t vibe is a total time suck, and it can make dating the complete opposite of fun.

If you find yourself getting lots of messages but not a lot of connections, you could be on the wrong dating apps for what you’re looking for.

My first suggestion is to cut down the number of apps you’re using if you have more than 3–4 apps installed. Take stock of the ones you find yourself making the most connections on and cut loose the ones you find less meaningful (even if you’re getting a lot of matches). Which dating app or site truly has the user base you're looking for?

According to the editor-in-chief of DatingAdvice.com, Hayley Matthews, “A big reason why online dating doesn’t work for some people is that they’re on the wrong dating site. Maybe the target audience is too young or too old, maybe the features can’t meet their needs, maybe the site is still new and hasn’t built up its membership base enough.” The bottom line is that the apps that work best for other folks, may not work for you.

Do you find yourself running into the same issues with the people you meet on certain dating apps? The answer is probably that it’s the wrong dating app for you then. Instead focus on the ones where you’ve been able to make the most connections. Next, let's look at how you’re communicating.

You don’t act curious about people

Have you ever had a conversation with someone who didn’t seem remotely concerned about anything you had to say? Were they too focused on themselves to bother to show any interest in you?

I think we’ve all met someone like that, and it can be incredibly frustrating (and difficult) to carry on a conversation with them.

Sometimes if you’re in a rush to meet up too quickly, you forget to ask important questions to see if it’s even worth meeting them.

Ask yourself, if you don’t know much about them why are you trying to meet up with them so quickly? Is it possible to screen them more to make sure you are both interested in the same thing? It can be jarring and awkward to think you’re headed to a hookup when the other person seems more reserved IRL and wants to take things really slowly.

Maybe they’re a crazy cat person but you’re horribly allergic to felines. If you don’t engage in some amount of curious conversation beforehand, you may not know this and end up with an allergy attack after the first hug. The point is, there’s a lot you can learn before you even commit to a date.

Taking the time to ask questions can help you weed through some potentially awkward dates and create room for real connections.

Avoid saying things like “Hey”, “Hi” or “How are you?” for the first message. Instead try asking them about something you’ve learned about them in their pictures or profile description.

It’s great to have a few general questions in mind to get a sense if you and the other person will get along. Questions that explore commonalities are great. What are their hobbies or what do they like to do on their days off? Do they love hiking? Try asking them about their favorite trails or gear. Who knows, you could learn of a cool new spot to check out (with or without them)!

But what if you find yourself not getting many responses?

Your pictures could be the problem

If your pictures don’t say anything about your personality, then you aren’t doing yourself any favors. For example, if you don’t actually like yoga but you post that photo your friend took at the one yoga class you went to. Or if you love the outdoors but don’t use any photos that convey that, it’s a missed opportunity.

Think about what attracts you to a potential match, aside from the initial attraction, what is it about their photos that really reel you in? Also, think about what you like to do in "real life."

A good profile typically has between 2–7 high-quality photos. Meaning photos that aren’t blurry or filtered.

Also, as a general rule, it’s best to use only one group shot but don’t lead with it. Studies have shown they can decrease your response rate, especially if it leaves someone guessing who you are!

And finally: Include at least one full body photo. You want to see what your potential date looks like from the shoulders down and so do they. Unfortunately, ableism, ageism, and fatphobia are no strangers to online dating. Showing how you look head-to-toe can help filter your matches to people who see and are attracted to exactly who you are.

Your profile doesn’t reflect what you want

What do you honestly want out of your chosen dating platform? A quick sexual encounter? A potential partner for a specific sexual activity? Casual dates? A serious relationship? A long-term relationship? What are your dating goals?

Don’t be afraid to ask for what you’re really looking for. Seriously, ask and you shall receive.

Are you looking for a serious relationship? Or are you in an open relationship looking for casual dates?

Maybe you’re not sure what you want – and that’s completely valid.

But these are messages you should be conveying in your profile, either through text or photos, because it will help weed out folks who aren’t looking for the same things as you. And it helps the people who DO want the same things to find you!

Consider this: If your profile doesn’t accurately convey what you’re looking for, or is pretty generic and doesn’t address what makes you unique, how are other people supposed to know?

It can be an incredibly vulnerable feeling to put it all out there, but it can also be super empowering.

Want to learn more?

If you want more strategies to help you be successful at online dating, then check out my ezine’s The Online Dating Issue.

If you’re still not sure how to go on more satisfying dates or use online dating sites and apps successfully, then let’s chat. As an experienced sex and dating coach, I’ve helped people of all genders, orientations and relationship structures find satisfying relationships and encounters online.  Click here to learn more about sex and dating coaching with me.