What chronic stress is doing to your sex life
Many of us try to balance too many things in life. At the end of the day, burnt-out and tired, we still ask ourselves, “Why don’t I want to have sex? Is there something wrong with me?”
It’s all about context.
Try re-evaluating after looking at what else is going on.
One of my clients, let’s call her Marie, works a stressful 9 to 5 where she constantly must deliver results. She comes home after a long day, helps her daughter with homework, and cooks dinner. Her partner sometimes helps but she finds herself doing a disproportionally larger part of the household chores (a study finds on average women do 2 more hours of housework a day than their male partners). At the end of the day, she’ll sometimes treat herself to a glass of wine and then it’s time for bed to repeat the cycle all over again.
To me it’s clear why she may be experiencing low libido.
Stress is a libido killer for both vulva-havers and penis-havers. Our bodies’ fight or flight response can’t tell the difference between distress from workday deadlines and a real physical threat, like being chased by a bear.
When you’re working hard at your job (or just life), you’re encouraged to be assertive, competitive, and tough. Yet, when we get home and/or spend time with loved ones, we’re expected to automatically relax and get ready for sexy time.
If you were being chased by a deadly predator all day, would you come home feeling ready to bone?
Some might — those whose sex drive is accelerated by stress – but for many, stress stops desire right in its tracks.
Chronic stress can lead to burnout. I like to think of burnout as our body’s way of forcing us to take care of ourselves. So let’s dive in.
What is burnout?
Burnout is “a state of chronic stress that leads to physical and emotional exhaustion, cynicism and detachment, and feelings of ineffectiveness or lack of accomplishment.”
In total burnout you lose the ability to function well in your work life and your personal life. It’s all consuming, but it doesn’t happen suddenly. It builds for weeks, months, even years.
Here are some burnout symptoms:
1. Chronic fatigue
2. Insomnia
3. Difficulty to concentrating
4. Loss of appetite
5. Anxiety and/or Depression
6. Pessimism
7. Prolonged self-isolation
8. Detachment
9. Feelings of “what’s the point?”
10. Irritability and/or Anger
11. Loss of productivity
This is by no means an exhaustive list, but if you’re suffering from multiples of these, burnout could be a real possibility. The good news is that you can adjust the stress levels in your life before it gets out of control. Think of these symptoms as red flags to look out for if you’re feeling especially stressed lately.
How burnout can destroy your sex life
Life today can feel a lot like running on a hamster wheel. A constant cycle of striving, achieving (rinse, repeat), and prioritizing EVERYTHING . . . except ourselves. Talk about feeling overwhelmed.
A lot of women (and by “women” I mean anyone who identifies as a woman) get stuck in what authors Amelia and Emily Nagoski describe as “Human Giver Syndrome.” This is where women are taught that their purpose is to give everything away to other humans - this is a cultural expectation of the female gender.
As Joanna Zaremba, a mindfulness and mindset coach explains: “We’ve been taught to feel guilt and shame when we seek out what fills us up because instead we could be taking care of someone else or doing tasks on a never-ending ‘to do’ list.”
Constantly giving to others and ignoring our own needs disconnects us from our bodies, and ultimately, our pleasure. It disconnects us from our ability to receive love.
This is how burnout can destroy your sex life.
If you’re in a constant state of stress, ignoring your own needs and always putting others first will not help your peace or your sex life. You can’t expect your body to be able to flip a switch to then focus on self-pleasure.
Those who suffer from burnout can find the idea of sex to be exhausting. It’s just another thing on their "to do" list. Another thing you need to GIVE to someone. The people stuck in this position often come to me wondering why they don’t want sex, with a heavy emphasis on not what it means for them but for their partner and for their partner's sexual pleasure.
It’s a vicious cycle - they aren’t able to focus on themselves even when asking for help.
If that sounds like you, what can you do? How can you recenter and focus on yourself so you can get to a place of self-pleasure that you deserve? How can you reduce stress and get back your sexual desire and sexual energy?
Introducing Yin and Yang
While you might be familiar with the yin and yang symbol, not as many people are familiar with the ideology behind it. According to Tsao-Lin E. Moy, a Chinese Medicine Practitioner, “Yin and yang is an ancient Chinese philosophy that reminds us that balance is the key to prosperity. By balancing out the opposing but complementary forces of yin and yang in our modern lives, we can achieve more vibrant and sustainable health.”
While the principles of yin and the principles of yang have traditionally been associated with femininity and masculinity, there's more to the concepts of yin and yang. It's not so black and white, and these energies are partners rather than opposing forces.
Yang Energy: What helps us perform at work
Yang energy is associated with:
Masculine energy
Action
Expansion
Growth
Outward
Day
Yin Energy: Tapping into our sexual being
Yin energy, on the other hand, helps us tap into our capacity for receiving love and pleasure. It’s associated with:
Feminine energy
Rest
Contraction
Stillness
Inward
Night
It’s important to note that masculine energy (yang) and feminine energy (yin) have nothing to do with identifying as male or female. No matter your orientation, preference, gender identity; everyone benefits from having both yin and yang in their lives. It’s all about balance.
Many of the issues I described earlier would be considered yang energy, or masculine energy. The “hustle culture” is a huge part of this “yang” energy. The idea that you should always be achieving something, working hard, producing results, without prioritizing your own self-care can lead to burnout and an imbalance in your life.
In a world that celebrates “yang”, practicing “yin” helps us:
1. Nurture our bodies
2. Rest
3. Be attentive to pleasure and sensation (or just our bodies in general)
4. Receive love, pleasure (vs. giving)
5. Connect with the rhythms of nature, the seasons, and our bodies
6. Slow down and be present (mindfulness)
7. Experience stillness (deep breathing)
Embracing yin energy can help us unlock our parasympathetic nervous system, “It contributes to digesting food, moving our bowels, emptying our bladder and when the parasympathetic nervous system is called to work, it slows down the heart rate and conserves the body energy.” It enables us to rest and focus inward. By nourishing our yin energy, we can restore balance to our everyday lives.
In short, if you’re feeling burnt out and sex is the last thing from your mind, the easiest way to repair the relationship between you and your body is to nurture it. Check in with yourself and focus on giving to YOURSELF. You can’t expect your body to be able to receive pleasure if you aren’t willing to take care of it yourself.
Here are a few lifestyle changes to help nourish yourself (and your yin energy)
Establish a regular sleep schedule
Limit your screen time at night and come up with a healthy sleep routine (i.e. a relaxing tea before bed, meditation, yoga, reflective journaling)
Set aside time each day to be still (can be for meditation, deep breathing, etc.)
Prioritize your energy inward, focus on what YOU need at least once each day - full permission to not feel guilty!
Check in with your body and mind, start to become aware of what its telling you (those who suffer from burnout can feel very disconnected from their bodies at first)
Go out in nature and just observe
Shift from a do-mindset to a be-mindset, letting yourself have some unstructured downtime each day
These may seem simple, maybe even obvious, but can be surprisingly difficult in practice. It can feel uncomfortable to focus on yourself at first, and many people will find any excuse they can to not. But I can assure you, if you focus on some healthy habits for YOURSELF that they will unlock so much more in your day-to-day life than you realize. From just an overall happier outlook to a deeper connection with yourself/your body (and in turn your partner).
Want to learn more?
To find out more about reducing stress to improve your sex life, check out my ezine's The Slow Down Issue.
If you’re feeling like you need more balance in your life, I’m here to help. You deserve to take care of yourself and nourish both your yin and yang energy so you can get back to a pleasure-filled life.
As an experienced sex and dating coach, I’ve helped people better understand their bodies, answer questions that they may not feel comfortable asking others, better their relationships, and improve their sex lives and dating strategies. Click here to learn more about sex and dating coaching with me.