How to own the sexiness of YOUR body during sex

The photos used for this blog post are by Stef Streb Photography, a body positivity photographer in Columbus, Ohio who says, “In working on my relationship with my own body, I wanted to challenge myself to let my body be seen, to be the one to choose to share it, and to feel proud of it.” We thought her joyful photography captures self-love so perfectly, and thought her images would be on-point with this article. Check out her work by clicking here.

When you’re in the heat of the moment, do you catch yourself thinking things like “I wonder what I look like in this position?” or “What if my partner can see my XYZ (insert self-conscious area here)?”

Nothing stops desire in its tracks like body insecurity. It can quickly take you out of the moment and into a downward spiral of self doubt. Not only can it take away from your own personal pleasure, but also your overall experience with your partner.

Today we’ll discuss how to become comfortable in your own skin and how you can show up in bed with CONFIDENCE in your body.

Be mindful of your media.

Social media is a constant in our lives today. What used to be downtime is now replaced by screen time and a never-ending stream of images and ideas that could be shaping your perspective more than you realize. Multiple studies over the years have found a correlation between social media use and negative body image.

To be mindful, it’s important to ask yourself: “What type of people do I follow on social media?” Do they... 

• Heavily use filters and alter their images

• Strategically use angles to give their body a certain look

• Support unhealthy standards or exercises to achieve the “perfect” body

• Use “healthy lifestyle” as a way to promote products or procedures that reinforce fat-phobic thinking

Sometimes the first step can be as simple as realizing that you only follow people with a certain body type vs. a wide range of looks and body types (this includes race, age and ability). Being aware of the types of social media accounts you follow can help break the cycle of negative reinforcement or unrealistic standards.

These messages aren’t always overt. What can come off as positive can actually be toxic positivity for example. Or some workout accounts can be excessive to the point of being harmful or clouded by someone’s own unhealthy views.

Watch responsible porn.

Believe it or not, watching porn can actually help improve your body image and self acceptance. According to recent research, when people watch porn that they perceive to be realistic, it correlates to a better body image. 

So what exactly is realistic, responsible porn?

It can mean different things for different people, but generally it includes watching porn that isn’t overproduced and staged. Porn that includes different types of bodies and genitalia. Basically a wide variety of what really exists outside of a porn production studio!

When we see responsible, realistic images of people of all shapes and sizes enjoying pleasure and being free with their bodies, it makes us feel like we, too, can enjoy pleasure and be free with our bodies.

Responsible porn is also ethical porn, meaning it validates its performers with safe and inclusive environments. Ethical porn has “more realistic depictions of sex, including people with diverse body types, queer relationships, and real female pleasure.”

Be kind to yourself (and your body).

Social media isn’t the only narrative affecting us day today. Our own inner monologues shape so much of our realities, it can be hard to even see it initially.

Do you catch yourself being mean to yourself and/or your body?

Do you look in the mirror and instantly list a handful of “problem areas”? Or see things you’re unhappy with? Changes that need to be made?

Now ask yourself, what if you turned this around to kindness? 

If your negative self talk or beliefs are so ingrained in your narrative that this feels like too much, you can start by reframing with facts.

For example, I have a client who is self conscious about the perceived bags under her eyes.

“It’s the first thing I see when I look in the mirror,” she says. She laughed at the idea of putting a positive spin on it, “That feels impossible.”

So instead we begin by reframing her view slowly, now when she looks in the mirror and sees her eyes she simply says to herself “I have eyes.” 

And she repeats this until the negative self talk doesn’t creep in as often. Once you get to a point where it’s not so automatic you can begin putting a positive spin and try the following honor and appreciation exercise.

Do this Honor and Appreciation exercise.

Make a list and write down what your body gives you. Start off with 5 things and see if you can increase the number each time you do the exercise.

Try to think of tangible, REAL things you might be otherwise taking for granted. For example, can you touch your loved ones with your body, taste delicious food with it, dance to music, feel the wind on your face, love your partner with it, hug your friends, walk, run, swim, rest? 

Spend a few minutes appreciating your body for what it DOES for you.

So back to my client I used as an example earlier, she would start by listing things she appreciates that her eyes can DO for her. They help her read, see all the wonderful colors in the sky, see her partner and her friends, let her interact with the world in ways she wouldn’t otherwise be able to without them. 

Once you’re able to see the things your body does for you, it’s easier to not focus on the perceived “problems.”

Start a pleasure routine.

This can include masturbation, but it doesn’t have to. A pleasure routine can look different for everybody because every BODY is different! Ask yourself: What makes me feel GOOD, SEXY, and POWERFUL in my own skin?

Maybe it’s dancing in your living room. Or getting a massage. Or taking a nice warm bath with some scented candles.

Not your style? A pleasure routine can simply include taking gentle stretches in the morning or filling your body with nutritious whole foods. 

Think about the last time you felt good about yourself and what it was that helped you get there. 

What’s important is setting aside time to help YOUR body feel good. And before you know it you’ll be bringing that energy into the bedroom.

Practice mindfulness in the bedroom.

Once you’ve established a pleasurable, thankful relationship to your own body, you can bring mindfulness into the bedroom.

The key to owning the sexiness of your body during sex is being in the moment with your partner. Bring those positive feelings you’ve harvested throughout the day, week, month and pour that energy into the moment.

Instead of wondering if you look a certain way, focus on your senses. What can you see, touch, taste, feel and hear? Focus on what your body can do for you in these instances and you’ll be able to show up in bed with CONFIDENCE in your body.

Want to learn more?

To find out more about body positivity strategies, check out my ezine’s The Bodies are Awesome Issue.

If you’re still struggling with feelings of insecurity, I’m here to help. You deserve to love and accept your incredible body, so you can get back to a pleasure-filled sex life. My coaching packages are tailored specifically to your needs and I work with LGBTQAI, poly, kinky folks of all ages, races, and abilities.

As an experienced sex and dating coach, I’ve helped people better understand their bodies, answer questions that they may not feel comfortable asking others, and improve their sex lives and dating strategies. Click here to learn more about sex and dating coaching with me.