Foreplay basics for every body
Your sex life is a great opportunity to be creative. But all too often, you might end up following the same sexual script: each sexual encounter follows the same pattern and looks like the last.
I’ve had clients say “I know I need to get better at foreplay… I tend to dive straight into sex without taking the time to savor the moments leading up to it.”
We have a cultural assumption that only men struggle with foreplay, but the reality is, ANYONE can struggle with foreplay. (After all, it’s not like anyone would have sat you down to teach you Foreplay 101.)
In this article we’ll look into the lost art of foreplay: we’ll go beyond the tips and tricks and into why it matters, the psychological side of arousal, and how you can get past the mindset of diving toward penetrative sex and integrate foreplay into your sex life so you can truly savor the pleasurable build up to sex.
What is foreplay?
The simplest way to describe foreplay is a warm up before sex, but it doesn’t have to lead to sex. That means foreplay can be talking, kissing, touching, laughing… washing the dishes together… it can be literally anything that puts you in a more sensual, relaxed mood, bringing you closer to your partner.
Sometimes referred to as outercourse, foreplay is “whatever gets you thinking about sex”. It grows desire and encourages arousal… helping you to build all those feel-good feelings.
Foreplay can be both psychological and physical: a sexy text, a sensual massage, a vulnerable conversation, a kiss on the neck or a hand on a thigh.
Why foreplay matters
Since every body is different, every approach to foreplay is different. But no matter what foreplay means to you, it can make the difference between really good sex and not-so-great sex. According to several studies, “building up to intercourse can lead to longer sex and better orgasms, even during solo sex.”
For vulva-havers, by building arousal before penetration it gives their bodies the chance to tent, “a process by which muscular tension in a woman’s body lifts the uterus upward, creating more space in the vagina.” It can also help increase lubrication, which decreases their chances of experiencing pain during sex and leads to an overall higher level of sexual satisfaction.
In fact, according to a 2017 study, “women were more likely to orgasm if their last sexual encounter included deep kissing, manual genital stimulation, and/or oral sex in addition to vaginal intercourse.”
For penis-havers, taking the time for foreplay before intimacy (even just 10 extra minutes) increases their chances of lasting longer in bed because it encourages them to slow down: slow their breathing, relax, and connect to the sensations in their body. The simple act of foreplay can go a long way in ameliorating symptoms of premature ejaculation.
Foreplay isn’t just about touch
While touching can be a huge part of foreplay, there is also an emotional side to building up to intimacy as foreplay because so much of sexual arousal happens in our brains. That’s right, the brain is one of our biggest sex organs!
Some of my clients report the need to feel close and connected to a sexual partner before they can experience arousal with them.
Foreplay helps break down the stressors of the day to make room for the relaxed state of intimacy and arousal. Foreplay can help you get your mind off the day’s big presentation, tomorrow’s work load, or can simply help you connect with your partner before getting sexual.
Arousal is a full-body experience that often begins in the mind. By knowing how to ACCESS our arousal through de-stressing and foreplay, we can achieve true sexual wellbeing -- whether with a partner or just ourselves.
How to master foreplay
Everyone’s body experiences pleasure differently, so how can you discover what works best for you and your partner?
I look at foreplay (and sex in general) like an opportunity to let go and be playful: the only rule is to be creative and have fun.
Here are some ways to integrate foreplay into your sex life, so you can make the most of arousal and experience more pleasurable sexual experiences:
Figure out what you and your partner enjoy.
Foreplay can begin as a conversation, or it can start as a game. Either ask each other straight up over a round of drinks or by a campfire, or turn it into a game.
Write down on pieces of paper “It feels good when…”. Feel free to create a playful atmosphere by putting on a sex jams playlist. When you’re done, read each other’s papers. This can be a great way to discover more about yourself and your partner at the same time. (You’ll be amazed at how much you can learn about yourself through the act of writing.)
Phone apps can also be a great way to introduce different styles of foreplay… especially if you’re not sure where to begin.
Set the stage.
It’s hard to get aroused and be present for foreplay when there’s a pile of dirty laundry, to-do’s undone and a mess of dishes awaiting you in the sink. Think about ways you can minimize distractions before you even think about foreplay.
Next, set the stage by creating an environment that you and your partner will both feel comfortable in. You can pull cues from what you both shared about what you like. For instance, if you both like getting soapy in the shower together see if there are ways you can make the bathroom seem inviting. You may light candles or burn incense in there for added sensual effect.
Start with an old school make-out session.
Whether it’s in the back of your car like you’re back in high school or in the bedroom under mood lighting, focus in on the feeling of your partner's mouth on yours. Experiment with how your mouths feel on each others bodies too.
Try out light sensory touching.
This can be either completely clothed or naked, spend 5–10 minutes each ever so slightly caressing your partner’s body. These touches don’t have to be sexual either, the idea is to touch each other in ways that build pleasure. Keep in mind that some people like soft touches while others may need more pressure. It’s always nice and sexy to ask “Do you like this?” to get feedback as you’re going.
Do something fun together.
Foreplay often starts outside the bedroom. Whether it’s cooking a meal in the kitchen, reading or doing yoga together in the living room, do something that will help you connect with your partner. For some people, foreplay begins with feeling emotionally connected and naturally leads into arousal.
Get steamy with the dirty talk.
Teasing at the idea of sex throughout the day can lead to a sexy build up. That can be a suggestive text in the morning, a tasteful nude at lunch and then an explosion when you finally see each other in the evening.
Sometimes texting can even include genuine compliments that make your partner feel wanted and desired.
Experiment together.
Dive in, without needing sexual penetration to be the end-all. Here are some ideas:
Crack open some new sex toys (clitoral vibrators, penis rings and anal beads, oh my!)
Dabble in some light BDSM.
Experiment with anal play.
Pay attention to each other’s favorite spots like breasts, butts, necks, hands and feet.
Take a shower together and bathe each other.
Want to Learn More?
If you want to learn more about foreplay and foreplay techniques, then check out my ezine’s The Foreplay Issue. You may also find The Kissing Issue and The Oral Sex Issue helpful too.
If you’re still struggling with how to work foreplay into your sex life, I’m here to help. You deserve to unlock what feels good for you, so you can get back to a pleasure-filled sex life. My coaching packages are tailored specifically to your needs and I work with LGBTQAI, poly, kinky folks of all ages, races, and abilities.
As an experienced sex and dating coach, I’ve helped people better understand their bodies, answer questions they may not feel comfortable asking others, and improve their sex lives and dating strategies. Click here to learn more about sex and dating coaching with me.